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Why Do Women Have It So Easy?20 comments

Photo: Getty Images |

Photo: Getty Images |

It’s a common trope, on screen and off, this myth that women just have to sit around and wait to be asked out, therefore in the dating arena they have it “so easy” compared to men, who must do the asking.

| by Jennifer Kesler |

First, I have to express a general objection to “you have it easier than I have it” arguments. On those rare occasions when they’re not cringe-worthy examples of self-pity, they’re still churlish and pointless.

Next, I’d have to point out that women do a lot of the asking nowadays. And if you think asking a woman out takes nerve, try asking a man out. Frequently, they’re so stunned or offended (yes; apparently being put in a traditionally female gender role makes some guys feel so “gay” that even the realization that “hey, this woman finds me attractive” can’t redeem their fragile heterosexual ego identification) that they respond quite rudely. They don’t have that lifelong schooling women get on how to say no in a nice way.

When a man asks out a woman, his worst fear is that she’ll turn out to be a gold-digger or fatter than she looked at first. A woman’s worst fear in accepting a date is that he’ll turn out to be a rapist or serial killer.

And even back when it was unthinkable for women to do the asking, women did not have it easier in dating. First of all, not every woman gets asked. That’s where terms like “spinster” and “old maid” came from – punishing terms for women who “failed” to attract men who would take care of them. And what if you find yourself getting asked out only by married men and creeps? Why, you had a choice: suffer the stigma of being an “old maid” or make do with whatever cretins were available to you. How lovely! How easy! All you had to do was feel shame until your self-worth fell into shambles ’round your feet, and subject yourself to Harry, the guy who hangs around the school playground a little bit too much. (And don’t forget: if you have kids with Harry and Harry molests them, we’re blaming you!)

I could go on and talk about how rare it is that men actually make the first move (guys, we’re taught from very early on how to rope you in subtly so you think you made the first move). I could list the time, energy and money women who get asked out a lot often invest in cosmetics, clothing, accessories, learning coy body language and those subtle techniques I just talked about, and learning to appeal to the male ego before “just sitting around waiting to get asked”. But it’s been done. And of course, you can just open your eyes.


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20 comments

  1. JOKI

    I think a woman should have it easy. We are the ones who does the extra work of trying to find a guy (hair, make-up, clothes, shoes etc.) and end up doing more after we get into the relationship, ( cook, clean, care for, love etc.). Women are naturally inclined to love and nurture, so I think a woman should be the last person to put herself out there to get hurt. A man could at least prove to the woman that he is interested by persuing her because if a man wants a woman and works to take good care of her, its only in her nature to do the same.

  2. Mora

    Most girls I know are juggling being pursued by 2 or 3 men at once. Also, they get hit on by and turn down plenty of very desirable males.

    The main problem is that women are so used to being pampered by parents and men, that they believe they can marry the most desirable male – or that they can reform the player that other girls couldn’t. It is sort of arrogant, and sometimes causes women trouble.

    Still, it would be nice to sit back and make the choice.

    The author is wrong, men almost never get asked out. I have not heard of it happening very often.

  3. dude

    JOKI You are calling clothes, make-up, shoes as EXTRA WORK to get a guy? So you dress up pretty, and look like a plastic doll, but nothing to show in personality?

  4. Michael

    Wait a second. How do you know what it is like for men to ask out a woman? Are you a man? No! You’ve simply assumed that it’s easier for a man to ask a woman out. Try and imagine what it’s like asking the typical woman out: she probably gets hit on several times day and yes, most attractive women can afford to just sit back and let men come to them. As a man, if you sit back and do nothing, you will be single forever. Guaranteed.

    Your assertion that the worst a woman can expect from a man is that he will turn out to be a serial killer or rapist is a deeply sexist and ignorant thing to say. What about the women who marry for money and then kill their spouses?

  5. alek

    “”try asking a man out. Frequently, they’re so stunned or offended””

    That’s something women came up with. I’ve never ever ever ever in my life ever heard of a man being offended by being asked out in real life. Confused? Shocked? He thinks you’re kidding? YES… Offended? No. I’ve seen guys online who claim that, but in real life, I’ve never seen such a man.

    “”When a man asks out a woman, his worst fear is that she’ll turn out to be a gold-digger or fatter than she looked at first. A woman’s worst fear in accepting a date is that he’ll turn out to be a rapist or serial killer.””

    The above (even if it were true) is no excuse for laziness. How is being asked out safer than doing the asking? Your odds of being asked out by a rapist are actually HIGHER. Studies show that socipathic and psychopathic men (the same traits that leads to serial killers and rapists) are more agressive and have a lot more dates and sexual partners. In other words, by waiting around to be asked out, you INCREASE your chances of dating a rapist, killer etc..

    “””First of all, not every woman gets asked. That’s where terms like “spinster” and “old maid” came from”””

    Actually every story about spinsters and old maids involves women who thought they were too good for everyone who asked them out. In my country there’s even like fables about the woman who rejects every guy who courts her, only to end up an old maid.

    I have never EVER EVER EVER in my entire life known not even one woman who’s never been asked out. I even know a girl who’s socially anxious (can’t make conversion), rarely leaves the house, has NO social life, and doesn’t fit the societal criteria of “looks”. (I don’t agree with the societial criteria, I’m just saying she doesn’t fit them.) She’s rejected a dozen or so guys so far in her life. One for asking too soon, another for waiting too long to ask. Another for asking her for her number instead of taking more, another taking her number and not calling fast enough etc… etc..

    I have interviewed over 200 guys on the subject… All either slightly or very above average in both looks and life accomplishments… ONLY ONE of these guys has EVER in their life EVER been asked out by a woman, EVER. Out of 200 guys!

    “””I could go on and talk about how rare it is that men actually make the first move (guys, we’re taught from very early on how to rope you in subtly so you think you made the first move). “””

    You mean how rare it is for the guy *you want* to approach you and ask you out? What you said is true, if you do what most women do, and delete from their memory the 10 uninvited guys who approached/flirted.

    Two things to note here:

    1a) I watched a documentary that showed that 93% of men have NO ability to read subtle signals of interest from women. That is, those signals where the woman thinks she’s being obvious? A full 93% of males lack the mental capacity to even see them. Literaly that part of the brain is missing? Guess what type of guys are most able to read these signals? You’ve guessed it… sociopaths and psychopaths.

    1b) So guys have two choices. They either approach blind (without interest from the woman shown first) and get rejected 9 out of 10 times with the woman complaining about this uninvted approach… Or, they have to stand around till an actual modern woman asks him out or shows super-direct interest… While at the same time being judged for being a “wuss” and not having the “balls” to ask women out. So the average men is damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. If he approaches women he’s an agressive prick bothering random women. If he doesn’t, he’s considered a wuss (and its women doing 95% of these insults at him for not being a “real man”).

    2) Why do you support that sexist notion then? I mean, you know its sexist. You know that society shackles women and tells them “Don’t be overt little girl, don’t ask out first, don’t show direct interest” and other such sexist, misogynistic non-sense…

    So why are you supporting it? I know you’re probably freaking out now like “what do you mean I support it”. Here’s how… you just wrote an article bashing men for daring to point out that it exists (any time men complain about sexism, its whining, any time women complain about sexism, its liberating and empowering)… Yet I can’t find articles about killing this misogynistic practice.

    For every 1 article written to empower women (stop living in the 15th century, its time for us to be direct and go for what we want in dating instead of waiting around) there are a 1000 articles written bashing men, articles about inappropriate approachers, articles bashing “harassment”, articles about how guys suck at how they approach, and then articles about how men are whiny pansies for daring to point out that women don’t do their fair share of the work.

  6. alek

    “I could list the time, energy and money women who get asked out a lot often invest in cosmetics, clothing, accessories, learning coy body language and those subtle techniques I just talked about”

    1a) So now women put on makeup, clothing and accesories TO get asked out? See, this is my favorite double argument. The exact same women say the opposite thing depending on what the subject is. If women are complaining about uninvited approaches, and some misogynist says something like “you deserve it, you go around dressed like a christmas tree”, how does the woman respond to that misogynist? “No that’s NOT TRUE! I never dress for men!!! I put on the makeup and clothes for me!!!”

    1b) If in conversation with another misogynist, that dude says “you women are sooo lazy, you don’t do crap in dating, just wati around”. How does she respond to that misogynist? “That’s not true!!! I spend hours putting on makeup, clothing etc”… The exact same woman!! I’ve tested this on 20-30 women so far, and its always worked. The exact same woman will claim women never put on clothes/makeup for guys, and always do it, depending on the subject.

    2) So why do you support that sexist practice of girls learning coy-bodylanguage and subtle techniques? Do you want girls to live in the 15th century? I don’t see you bash the practice. I don’t see you say how it oppresses women (which it does). Where’s the outrage about society schackling women in dating and telling them to be passive “prey”? All the outrage is at men who play the hunter (I hate those guys as much as you, trust me)… But there is no attempt to release or liberate women from the “prey” role.

  7. Chris

    Women don’t get dressed up and pretty to attract men. It’s constant competition with other women to look better than each other. That will never change. A lot of American women are spoiled now by their parents. Those girls end up impossible to please and expect to be spoiled by men just as their parents do for them. I suggest for the guys..get some hobbies and stay busy. That way you concentrate less on women. After all.. most of the women you will go out with won’t be anything that last.

  8. me

    What a dumbfuck piece of writing. Jennifer Kesler is probably a dumbfuck piece of ass too. She’s probably a little overweight, moderately (at best) attractive in the face, and has tried to write for a boring college newspaper where she gets ideas from her assumed broad spectrum of girlfriends that includes sorority bitches and smelly crunchy girls who have dreads. Awesome. Why am I here wasting my time??

  9. Lorri

    I would say we do have it easier right now. It’s impossible to not notice if you tune into CNN or login to Facebook and see the success and popularity girls have these days. In general though, men still have better paying jobs in higher up positions.

  10. Mike

    Writer sounds like a fat upset lesbian. See! I can make stupid assumptions too!

  11. Bigmac

    Some chicks are into serial killers, I’ll have you know

  12. Brendan

    I generally disagree with the editorial, although some of the observations might be valid. However, the claim “Next, I’d have to point out that women do a lot of the asking nowadays.” is total nonsense – a lie, whether deliberate or not.

  13. Jediben

    “When a man asks out a woman, his worst fear is that she’ll turn out to be a gold-digger or fatter than she looked at first. A woman’s worst fear in accepting a date is that he’ll turn out to be a rapist or serial killer.”

    Bullshit. A man’s worst fear these days is that she will claim he is a rapist anyway.

  14. Ajx

    Imagine that every time you wanted to go on a first date to a guy, you first had to get up and speak in front of a full classroom or conference. Imagine you are walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a tall, attractive man turns towards you and is about to say something, when suddenly everything freezes and you find yourself sitting in a high-school classroom, being told that next week you will be expected to speak in front of the class, alone, for 15 minutes about an assigned topic. Remember that feeling of dread you used to get when the teacher made that announcement? That is precisely how it feels for most men when they are faced with approaching a random hot girl for the first time.

    But it isn’t even that simple. For the analogy to be accurate, you won’t only have to swallow your pride, get up there, and do the presentation, but you will actually have to achieve a grade of 80 % or higher if you want the guy to ask for your phone number. It will be difficult to present the material naturally when you are nervous, because you will probably rush through it, maybe forget certain details, or speak too quietly. You posture will matter a lot too, but it is difficult to stand up straight when you are nervous. So your nerves will not only make accepting the challenge difficult, but they also destroy your chances of earning the requisite 80 %. Actually summoning up the guts to push through that initial fear is nowhere near enough.

    Don’t forget that in addition to the quality of your public speaking itself, the content of your presentation will need to be interesting and original. You won’t be able to impress the class or the teacher with mere poise; you will also have to show them that you know what you are talking about – that you are intelligent and understand the material well. At the same time, you shouldn’t overdo this demonstration, because if you try too hard to impress them, it will be obvious that your knowledge isn’t organic, that it was rehearsed for this event only.

    There is more. Remember that you will be graded on a curve, relative to the other students giving presentations – just like a man is always judged relative to a woman’s other male options. And there will always be other students in the class that are naturally more gifted than you. Remember that nerd that always looked like he owned the class when he got up there to give his presentation? Not only was he confident, but he also made it painfully clear that he knew exactly what he was talking about – probably better even than the teacher. You were the first in the class to present, and he was one of the last students. Trying to get a better grade on your presentation than that kid is what it is like for most guys who want to talk to that beautiful brunette in the corner, who is standing right next to a 6’3″ athletic, good-looking and cocky guy, who has probably bedded dozens of girls like her. You got up in front of the class to compete with the nerd because your teacher required it. Would you have done it if you’d been given the chance to opt out? What motivation does the guy in the bar have to challenge himself?

  15. bartelbe

    “Next, I’d have to point out that women do a lot of the asking nowadays. And if you think asking a woman out takes nerve, try asking a man out.”

    Complete rubbish, I have never known a women to ask a man out. I have even had girls ask me to get a guy to ask them out, to avoid doing the asking.

    “Frequently, they’re so stunned or offended (yes; apparently being put in a traditionally female gender role makes some guys feel so “gay” that even the realization that “hey, this woman finds me attractive” can’t redeem their fragile heterosexual ego identification) that they respond quite rudely.”

    More sexist rubbish.

    “And even back when it was unthinkable for women to do the asking, women did not have it easier in dating. First of all, not every woman gets asked. That’s where terms like “spinster” and “old maid” came from – punishing terms for women who “failed” to attract men who would take care of them. And what if you find yourself getting asked out only by married men and creeps? Why, you had a choice: suffer the stigma of being an “old maid” or make do with whatever cretins were available to you. How lovely! How easy! All you had to do was feel shame until your self-worth fell into shambles ’round your feet, and subject yourself to Harry, the guy who hangs around the school playground a little bit too much. (And don’t forget: if you have kids with Harry and Harry molests them, we’re blaming you!) ”

    Wow what is going on inside your head. Yes you will find it difficult to get a guy at 40 plus, when your looks have gone and you’re almost infertile. I can hardly feel sorry for you, because every young women has a choice of multiple men. If they are too picky, pick the wrong guy, or leave it too long. They have no-one to blame, but themselves.

    “I could go on and talk about how rare it is that men actually make the first move (guys, we’re taught from very early on how to rope you in subtly so you think you made the first move). I could list the time, energy and money women who get asked out a lot often invest in cosmetics, clothing, accessories, learning coy body language and those subtle techniques I just talked about, and learning to appeal to the male ego before “just sitting around waiting to get asked”. But it’s been done. And of course, you can just open your eyes”

    Oh i thought feminists told us women didn’t wear make up or sexy clothes to attract men. The paragraph is also complete rubbish. What you mean is the small percentage of men you think you deserve don’t ask you out. Mr tall, rich and handsome. Conveniently forgotting the dozens of men who did ask you out, but they don’t count, because they don’t meet your deluded standards.

  16. Oliver

    Such a charming woman this one and not even a hint of bitterness or a feminist lens. Apparently its not about female ego when women refuse to pursue the men they desire or self pity when they lament their dating woes online.

  17. DissafectedWithDating

    What a crappy article.

    “Real Doll” is a better option that chasing pussy. The doll is SO realistic and is hotter than 98% of women anyways.

    MGTOW

  18. Robert

    I stopped reading this when you said “women nowadays do a lot of the asking”. Psshh… funny.

  19. CC77

    This article is so full of shit!

  20. JenniferIsDumb

    This post is the reason mass shootings exist.

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