For as much as we agonize over men—purchase self-help books, enlist our girlfriends as support systems during endless mimosa brunches—it was refreshing to click through Esquire’s 75 Things You Don’t Know About Women.
It’s actually sort of cute to picture the scruffier sex, wide-eyed, analyzing the inner workings of the female mind. Or glancing at the words and focusing on the pictures. Hey, they tried.
We can’t imagine men pour over this kind of stuff like we do, but when you have Sarah Silverman explaining the why girls go to the bathroom in groups (to do coke), Wanda Sykes revealing the way to a woman’s heart (her clit), and Emily Deschanel giving men a run down on words we hate (panties, titty and moist), it seems a bit more believable.
Here’s a round-up of some of our favorites:
“We can tell how good you’ll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor. This isn’t an invitation to grind your boners into our asses—we’re looking more for rhythm, ingenuity, and joie de vivre.” — Leslie Mann
“Call us back right away. That ‘three day’ crap does not apply. We’re getting older and we don’t have time to screw around. Wait too long and we’ll lose interest. Trust me on this one.” — Christina Applegate Demystify dating. Click here to decode your date.
“Even when we’re blindfolded, even when you’re wearing sunglasses, even in the pitch black of night, we can always tell if you just ogled another woman.” — Maria Bartiromo
“We’re afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we’re not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models.” — Maria Bello
“Eye contact should last exactly 0.28 seconds. The quickest glance is the most effective. Treat us like the sun during a solar eclipse.” — Saira Mohan
“Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.” — Alyssa Milano
What do you think? What do men need to learn about women?
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