Right here, right now, it’s time to throw down and end this vicious cycle of bad dates. Now that a new decade has dawned, here are 10 fellas I’m going to downgrade from black book to blacklist — and never allow to grace my single life again. In order of unsuitability:
10) The Daredevil
Why: Because I bleed enough each month for both of us, adrenaline-head. And I’m over men with a need to go 90. On their motorcycles. In freezing rain. Or take on the double black diamond when they’ve never actually strapped on skis before. My days of scraping men up off the sidewalk are over. In 2011, there will be no more games of playing nurse to his knucklehead. “Hey, watch this!” doesn’t have to end with a trip to the emergency room. Wear a helmet.
9) Summer of ‘69
Why: Because it doesn’t matter that you can run a six-minute mile if you remember Vietnam. Studies have shown that children of fathers 40 and older are at higher risk for autism, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and cancer. Wait, there’s more. Despite what your Summer of ‘69 may claim, studies have shown that male fertility diminishes with age. Oh, joy! While we ladies may experience occasional bouts of bitterness about our biological tickers, at least we can rest assured that we aren’t the only ones winding down.
8) The Drummer
Why: Because dating should not be a group effort. Let’s face it: Falling for the drummer means you’ve got to love the singer, bassist, guitarist, roadies and psycho fans, too. I’m sure that true, lasting love can exist between a woman and a drummer, but being “with the band” can turn into one hella wicked abomination. I’d rather roll solo and leave him to play with his sticks.
7) Damaged Goods
Why: Because you shouldn’t be out there dating without a warning label. All last year, I’d be out on a date and suddenly it would occur to me, Um, this one’s all broken. In 2011, I’m saying good-bye to the ménage-a-trois with single men and their therapists, dudes still hurting from nasty divorces finalized just last month, and the suicidal hipsters of Nerve.com. Sayonara to anyone who would be better described as a fixer-upper: I’m done renovating men.
6) Hippie Dudes
Why: Because I’ve seen homeless men with better hygiene. I know plenty of people who co-exist perfectly well with their heads of long, lovely dreadlocks. So why is it that this ‘do smells so bad on the majority of young, hippie dudes? Because only a young, single, hippie dude would actually believe that sporting dreadlocks is an alternative to washing his hair. Save the whales. Stop war. Reduce and recycle. Whatever. So long as you believe in the power of a shower.
5) Party People
Why: Because I don’t like considering the popo as “regulars.” I’ve got a great idea. Let’s, like, not party till the fuzz bust down the door. Next year, I’m not settling for a dude who regularly blacks out and must be informed the next day that he had a “rockin’ time” last night. Nor am I sitting on the couch while he breaks the Guinness world record for biggest bong hit ever. In fact, I’ve decided that there will be no more guys who employ the word “party” as a verb in my life.
4) The Lost Cause
Why: Because you’ll still be “finding yourself” in India in 2020. OK, I must admit, I’ve been known to swoon at the feet of dreamy-eyed explorers who’ve recently rechristened themselves Jivamukti. But if the man hasn’t “found himself” by now, chances are, his quest isn’t about to end anytime soon, and I’m no longer content to ride sidecar down Identity Crisis Lane.
3) The Flake
Why: Because “I forgot” is not a valid excuse. Did the dog eat his brain or something? How many times was I stood up in 2010 because some guy totally dropped the ball? Clearing my schedule for a date, getting stood up and consequently spending the evening watching DVDs with my cat will not be acceptable in 2011.
2) The Town Bicycle
Why: Because I’m not hopping on that after he’s been ridden all over town. So we all get a “slut phase” (or two) in our lives. Growing pains. But ever get the feeling that it isn’t just a phase with him? There are those who love sex and those who LOVE sex. Men who store their brains in their nether-regions are out of the picture next year.
1) Mr. Perfect
Why: Because I concede that my blacklist has been a bit, er, black, but that’s not to say I’m looking for some ideal male specimen either. In 2011, I’ll be ready to embrace quirks, childhood scars and the odd piece of baggage, too. Let’s hear it for all the little cracks and imperfections that make a good man unique, lovable and absolutely real.
Here’s hoping that love is in the cards for you in 2011, and if not, then may the single life be ever-eventful.
Now tell us: Who’s moving from your black book to your blacklist in 2011?
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