Let’s say things are moving along with your woman. The relationship is heading straight for serious territory. Certain topics are beginning to creep into casual conversation; she is curious how much you spend on video games, why your best friend only wears his wedding ring half the time and why you are always on the computer late into the wee hours of the morning. The answers are pretty simple (hundreds of dollars; he is cheating; and you’re addicted to porn) but it’s not always smart to tell her the truth.
There’s technically no limit to what you can share with your girlfriend, but there are some things that should always be kept a secret. A female has her own skeletons she should keep hidden in her closet (assuming there’s room) and a guy has to keep his mouth tightly sealed about certain parts of his life.
Here are the top 10 things your girl shouldn’t know about you. Be ready to deflect, disengage or flat out fib if she asks about anything on this list. It’s usually for the best.
No.10 Your actual conquest count
You’re probably proud of your list of sexual conquests. You should be proud — you aren’t much of a looker. It’s one thing to brag to friends, but this isn’t something to tell your partner about, and she is going to ask. You can give a rough estimate, but she doesn’t need exact dates, names and circumstances. Leave out one-night stands and drunken hookups. The total number you divulge will get five to 10 people added in her mind whether it’s true or not. The more she thinks you’ve slept around the more she will assume you are sexually dirty. At least put her mind at ease and get tested. When revealing your past, take note of our 7-11 rule.
No.9 Where your money goes
Your finances are separate — for now. If you end up taking the plunge you will probably share a bank account. Until that point, it’s fine if she knows your approximate salary and a few of your monthly bills but she doesn’t need to know where your extra cash goes each month. She doesn’t have to know how much you spend on activities like hanging with friends, gadgets and toys or weekend trips. It will become an issue when money is tight or when she wants you to start saving for the future. Keep her in the dark about your monthly payments.
No.8 Ongoing parental dependency
Mom and Dad still do things for you. Not because you can’t handle them yourself — but because they offer and you take them up on it. Every man depends on his parents for something in life; whether it’s a financial stipend or laundry, food and even shelter. These are all dirty secrets you will want to keep from your girlfriend. She wants a man that can take care of her and not go running to mommy when he is broke or when he can’t get that fresh press into his dress shirt. If you aren’t a big boy that can do everything for yourself, at least act like you’ve got your life under control. Then tell mom to stop writing cute notes on the food she leaves in your fridge. It’s a dead giveaway.
No.7 Your weaknesses and fears
Every man has weaknesses. It could be the sight of blood or the sound of a dentist’s drill. It’s what makes us human. It’s fine if your woman figures these out on her own, but don’t admit all the things that make you cry like a little boy. You must appear bulletproof. You are her knight in shining armor. Who is going to guide her through her occasional freak out? You? Stay tough. You can freak out when no one is around.
No.6 Your bathroom activities
Men are oddly proud of what goes on in the bathroom, but make absolutely no mistake, women have no interest. They have potty issues of their own to deal with so they don’t need to know the size, aroma or frequency of your trips to the porcelain palace. They can also be left in the dark regarding your manscaping routine, how much puss you popped from all your backne and the odd bumps forming around your pocket monster. On second thought, maybe you should keep her in the loop on that last issue. Take a romantic trip to the free clinic.
No.5 Your friends’ moral shortcomings
It’s expected that couples share all the dirty little secrets about their friends. What you tell one person in a couple, you are really telling both. This is a bad idea as far as your friends are concerned, especially those you hang out with on a regular basis. Do you think she will be cool with you grabbing drinks with your pal who is cheating on his wife? Do you think she’ll tell you to have fun on a weekend trip with your college roommate who you told her blacks out when he drinks? Don’t let her examine the skeletons in your friends’ closets. It will just cause her to not like them, not trust them, and will make hanging out with them an impossible task.
No.4 Your masturbation frequency
Even if you are having more sex than a Vegas bouncer, men still occasionally have to, let’s say, work things out for themselves. There is nothing wrong with releasing a little sexual energy while the little lady isn’t around. She just doesn’t have to know your schedule and frequency. It’s none of her business, frankly. It’s not hurting her or affecting anything in the relationship. If she does find out you are whacking it as frequently as a high school kid, this may lead to problems. Women think men masturbate because their needs are not being met sexually when, in actuality, it’s just that men are horny bastards.
No.3 Your cheating past
You made mistakes in the past. You cheated on girlfriends. This is a clean slate. You might screw up again, but then again, why not give yourself the benefit of the doubt? Don’t let her know about past indiscretions. She will think “once a cheater, always a cheater” and always be second-guessing you. She will accuse you even when you are 100% innocent. She will carry around the doubt forever.
No.2 Your ex-girlfriend memorabilia
Guys don’t decorate, or at least not on purpose. Most of the things in your home were purchased by an ex-girlfriend. If they weren’t bought with her dime, then she was at least around when you made the purchase. There are also some of her old clothes jammed in a drawer, CD and DVDs from her collection and little reminders of her around the place that you just haven’t gotten around to throwing away. They don’t mean anything to you anyway. The same can’t be said for your woman. The moment she finds out that something in your place is connected to an ex-fling she immediately wants that item out of sight, mind and into a large recycling bin on the curb. Pretend everything you own is actually yours and not leftovers from past loves.
No.1 Your ex-girlfriend memories
Do you need to know every gripe she has with her ex-boyfriend or how they would do the crossword before breakfast? She doesn’t need to know every detail (good or bad) of your past relationships like she is catching up on her favorite shows on the Soap Network. If something reminds you of an ex-girlfriend, keep that story or memory in your head and don’t let it creep out of your mouth. Your woman will either think you are still hung up on your ex-girlfriend or that she isn’t as much fun. The past is the past. Why aren’t you still with your ex if the memories where so wonderful? Oh right, you told her you cheated, spent all your money on video games, and made her look at your toilet bowl accomplishments. Connecting the dots?