Shy Magazine

Sex & Love

My Friend and My Ex

Photo: Getty Images //
When it comes to dating, should ex-boyfriends be off-limits to your friends?
| by Alice Moore //

And now for some breaking news: one of my close friends is dating an ex-boyfriend of mine. A mutual friend relayed the information to me, and as she told me, I smiled sweetly and even went as far as saying that I was happy for them. Whether she noticed my red cheeks and trembling lip I can’t say, but I did my best Oscar-winning performance at hiding the truth.

And now she’s gone, I’m sitting here still trying to pretend that I don’t mind, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep my emotions in check. Yes I mind! Yes I think she could have found someone else out of all the men on the planet, and yes, I’m going to find it nearly impossible to keep our friendship going after this.

There, I said it. I’m jealous, narrow-minded, insecure, possessive – all that and more. I am the ultimate dog in the manger.

Why does this bother me so much? I’m over the relationship breakup – it was three months ago (well, two months and twenty-nine days to be exact), and I don’t think about the guy (on a daily basis) anymore. So why can’t I just be happy for my friend, and draw a line under the time I spent with him? Why has this development thrown me into the angst I felt in the days immediately following our split?

Horrible thoughts are racing through my head right now. I’m picturing them together, and feeling the same stinging jealousy I would feel if we were still an item. And worse, much worse, I’m imagining them laughing together – about me. Perhaps he’s telling her what a useless girlfriend I was, how I was so boring and predictable, how she’s so much more exciting and attractive than me. And the next time I see my friend, she’ll give me a knowing glance, a sneer maybe, indicating that he’s told her what a clingy and desperate type of girl I was.

And what am I supposed to do if we all end up on a night out together? Smile across the table as I watch them smooching in front of me? Comment on what a lovely couple they make as he never lets go of her hand all night?

Okay, get a grip here. I can feel myself spiralling out of control. What would Dr. Phil advise in a situation like this? Move on, probably. Move on with my life, be happy for them, and get a man of my own instead of living with a fantasy of the past. If she’s my true friend, I should support her in her choice of men, right?

Wrong, I can’t handle it. That’s the truth. I feel as if she’s broached on my territory. Breaking up with a guy is hard enough, and awkward enough when you have to meet them in public again. My “friend” knew how upset I was after the split. Surely she realizes how difficult this will be for me now? I think I’m going to have to adopt the cowardly but effective strategy of avoidance. And in the meantime I’ll secretly hope they have a massive row and break up. But don’t tell anyone, okay? I’m trying to be mature about this.

Are friends ex’s off-limits? Speak Your Mind.

4 replies on “My Friend and My Ex”

I would say that it all depends on the intensity of the relationship you and your ex had, as well as the reason for the break up. If your heart was in it with dude, its an ultimate NO-NO, BUT if it was just a matter of incompatibility you should be to bothered.

I was in a situation similar to this, this guy and I had been talking on and off for about a year and I met his male friends about 6 months into it and from the start I was feeling his friend, instant chemistry! For the next 6 months I fought myself and I would find myself only being around him just to bump into his friend that I was feeling so much. So eventually, our non-verbal communication turned into verbal communication and I have ZERO regrets! I wish that they hadn’t had been friends…

Anyhow, I think you should let your friend go because the trust you two once shared has been permanently damaged. You can’t really trip about her dealing with your sloppy seconds, but you can trip about her not being a woman about hers and informing you about things… This may have injured your friendship and it time it would have healed. But, she killed it by not showing you the proper respect…

I totally agree with everyone! That is soo not right of her to steal your ex. I had this happen to me not to long ago. She even got pregnant by him! Nevertheless, we are NOT friends anymore. Your ex should of never crossed that line. U have every right to be mad.

I’m a guy and that’s a line I would never cross. Never! I think she should’ve at least given you a heads up

YES, ITS OFF LIMITS!! Its a NO-NO!! She should’ve atleast have the courtesy of telling her personally and not having her find out through a mutual friend!!!

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