Shy Magazine

Sex & Love

Oral Sex 101: Learning How to Receive

Photo: Getty Images //
Learn to love your man loving you!
| by Natalie Bencivenga |

So, you think you know all there is to know about oral?

Think again. So many women assume that being good at oral sex means knowing how to please your partner. Learning all those fancy little moves you read about in women’s magazines are supposed to make you an oral sex aficionado. Your partner always seems pleased with the outcome (no pun intended), but does oral sex ever leave you wanting more? Sure, you can give it out, but can you take it?

Most women that I have talked to about oral sex say the same thing. They would rather give than receive. Many woman that I have spoken with feel as though they are unattractive “down there” or that they smell funny, taste funny, or look strange to their lover.

“I don’t understand why a guy would want to go down there. It grosses me out. I am uncomfortable with any guy getting that close,” says Lucia, 21.

“I can’t come from oral sex. I think oral sex is way too intimate and makes me feel vulnerable. My boyfriend begs me to let him go down on me, but…I just can’t do it,” explains Karen, 19.

What is worrisome about these comments that young women are making, is that they seem to believe that their vaginas are unattractive, that oral sex is too intimate (and therefore intimacy is bad) and that letting a man perform oral sex on them will make them feel too vulnerable (which is also seen as a negative.)

Feeling vulnerable and being intimate should be what the sexual experience is truly about. When two people come together in a sexual way, there is a bond, there is a connection, there is an energy that unites us on a baser level. Seems as though many of us are trying to avoid that kind of connection, in lieu of a more superficial relationship. Are we that afraid to get close to one another?

Another issue is that many young women feel as though giving oral sex will make them more appealing to a partner, and that men would rather you give them oral than the other way around. While some men may feel that way, plenty of guys out there love going down on a woman and often feel frustrated by the fact that their girlfriends or partners don’t allow it.

“I don’t know why girls don’t want oral. I have been with a lot of women who weren’t shy at all in bed, but the minute you try going down on them, they freak out. What’s up with that?” wonders Josh, 25.

“Going down on a girl is hot. Nothing gets me off more than seeing a girl come over and over again from me licking her. But, a lot of girls don’t let guys do that. I don’t get it,” says Steve, 27.

The truth of it is, ladies, you don’t want to date a guy that doesn’t want to go down on you. Guys that like giving more than receiving are usually better lovers and better partners (in and out of the bedroom). Allowing yourself to become less inhibited will only enhance your sexual experience and free you from so much of the unneeded negativity in our culture towards women’s bodies.

So, what can you do to get over the anxiety of letting a guy go down on you and just go with the flow? Follow these simple steps and learn to love yourself…so that your partner can bring you pleasure.

1. Own a Hand Mirror?

Oh, yes, we are going there. Learning how to love yourself (all of yourself) means letting go of your fears and accepting your body just the way it is. Take a hand mirror and squat over it so that you can really see what you look like. Many women compare their vulva to that of a flower. The dusty pink layers peel back around the small bud, like a rose blossom opening. Start to think of your vulva as a beautiful flower. Now, what bee wouldn’t want some of that sweet nectar?

2. Positive Daily Affirmations

We are surrounded with images bombarding us all day long about what color our hair should be, how long our eyelashes should be, what dress size we are supposed to wear. But, have you yet to see a commercial that truly celebrates the uniqueness that is you? Be your own best advertiser. Stand in front of the mirror (make it a ritual, for example, after you brush your teeth in the morning) and give yourself an extra lift with one (or more) of these daily affirmations.

“I am healthy and happy.”

“My body is beautiful, just the way it is.”

“I radiate love and happiness.”

“I am surrounded by love.”

“I accept love into my life and am open to being loved.”

“I am a positive and valuable contributor to my relationships.”

We can all use a boost to our self-esteem. You can’t look outside of yourself for that. True confidence comes from within, so start nurturing your spirit. As you become a more confident and happy person, your relationships will reflect that, and your sex life will benefit from it.

3. Accept That He Loves Your Body

So many times in our lives, we assume that the man in our life doesn’t find us attractive. But, let’s get real. Men love real women’s bodies. They don’t fixate on the little stuff (cellulite, stretch marks, freckles) like we do. In fact, men love our curves, and are just happy to be invited to the party. We put all of these expectations on to ourselves from watching too many Michael Bay movies and seeing too many lingerie ads. When we learn to accept our flaws and embrace our unique shapes, we can let a lot of the other stuff go. If your man loves those hips (and those lips) why stop him from enjoying? Give him the green light to pleasure you. You will be thankful that you did.

What makes for great sex? An enthusiastic partner!

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