I‘ve had relationships on and off during the past few years, but for the most part, things didn’t work out and it’s caused me to do some thinking. Relationships always start off with that honeymoon-phase spark. You think the other person is absolutely perfect and can do no wrong, but once things calm down a bit, you start to realize all the things that annoy and aggravate you.
So, in the interest of full disclosure, I’ve decided to chronicle several of the things that make me a bad boyfriend. This way, once we start dating and things go terribly wrong, I can at least say I warned you.
I Hate Your Dog
Let’s just get the worst one out of the way. I’m just not a dog person. When we start dating, I will pretend to like your dog. I know how much you love the little guy, so I’ll play nice. However, I will get secretly annoyed every time you can’t sleep over because you have to let him out. Not to mention your dog’s other qualities—the weird smell, poor bowel control and the tendency to destroy household items when left alone.
I’m the Sweaty Guy on the Dance Floor
I can see it now: We’ve been dating a few months, and we’re at your cousin’s wedding reception. There’s a handful of people dancing, but I’m the hot, sweaty mess waving his jacket in the air like a helicopter. Some girls complain that their boyfriends never want to dance. You will have the opposite problem with me. When the inevitable Facebook photos start popping up, I’m the one people ask about. “Looks like fun, but who was that gyrating, red-faced, bearded dude?” Me.
I Am a DVR Cheater
If we date, it’s inevitable that we’ll have our one night a week where we stay in to make dinner and watch “our show.” One time, though, you’re going to have a conflict with our TV night. I’ll say, “No worries! We’ll just DVR it and watch it later together.” But here’s the thing—when you’re gone, I’m gonna watch the show. By myself. Because I have no patience. Then, when you come over the next night, I’m going to pretend I didn’t watch it and act surprised at all the important plot twists.