Shy Magazine

Sex & Love

Why Am I Always Attracted to the Wrong Men?


“Why am I always attracted to the wrong men?”

| by Loral Lee Portenier, PhD

This is the cry of women in pain that can be heard around the world. It is, unfortunately, an experience that is all too common. But I would like to suggest that it’s the wrong question, not the wrong man. Allow me to put a different spin on it. In psychological circles, this is called reframing.

Each of us comes into this world with a set of challenges. In addition, the process of reaching adulthood presents us with even more challenges. In order to resolve these challenges, we need resources. The universe supplies the resources we need to meet our challenges, but it’s up to us to see, acknowledge, and employ our available resources.

To clarify, I’ll share the story of Becky. Becky was born with a personality type that tends to become clingy and needy. Her challenge is to find her own inner strength, courage, and independence. Becky grew up in a home where males rule. Her mother was subservient, as dictated by her husband and church. Through the use of any means necessary, Becky’s parents trained her also to be subservient, dependent, unimportant. She spent her childhood trying desperately to earn her father’s respect and approval. (Mother issues are there, too, but they aren’t the focus of this topic.)

Now Becky is an adult, and every man she gets involved with has many of her father’s qualities-especially the negative ones. But what if these aren’t the “wrong” men? What if these men are simply resources the universe has sent her so she can learn to work through her father issues? So she can learn how to develop and utilize her own inner strength, courage, and independence? What if these men are nothing more than opportunities to heal?

If this is the case, Becky should stop asking “Why am I always attracted to the wrong men?” and start asking, “What do I need to do and who do I need to become to be attracted to (and attractive to) a higher quality of man?” If she does this, she will be able to move out of the helplessness of Victim Mode and into the beauty and power of her True Self. And she’ll realize how much progress she has made when the universe presents her with another opportunity to get involved with a “wrong” man, and she turns it down. She no longer needs it. When that happens, Becky should give herself a big, fat reward for a job well-done!

Dr. Loral Lee Portenier, transformational psychologist and coach, works with women who are tired, hurting, or confused to help them reclaim their power, renew their passion, and revive their purpose for living. She teaches people how to turn life transitions into transformations instead of disasters as they learn how to live their dreams. Discover more about how she can help you at

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