Not tonight, love.
When you first hooked up, one look from the missus was all it took for your engine to rev up quicker than a pimped-out ride from The Fast and the Furious. You were, to put it bluntly, like a dog in heat, but those first throes of passion are long gone, and your girlfriend has since lost her almost God-given power to make you happy between the sheets.
She may have seduced you with her looks and charm, but if you’re dealing with bad sex months after that first night of intimacy, then she might as well look like Whoopi Goldberg. Not that you would tell her that. Unless you possess a heart of stone like Simon Cowell, you’d feel pretty bad watching your girlfriend suffer a Bridget Jones-style breakdown after telling her she’s failing miserably in the bedroom.
But make enough excuses to avoid a close encounter or drop enough hints about what she should be doing, and your girlfriend will eventually catch on. Here’s what to do to if bad sex is ruining your relationship.
1: Fake an illness
Since the dawn of time, women have used phony ailments such as headaches and upset stomachs to get out of having sex. But two can play at that game. If the stars have aligned and the moon is in the right place, she might be feeling amorous and up for a night of passion. You, alternatively, would rather sleep, watch sports or do almost anything instead of enduring another night of passionless sex. It’s not you; it’s her.
Yawning at least once every few minutes should do the trick. If that isn’t enough to ward off her advances, then make regular trips to the toilet and proceed to groan loudly enough for your girlfriend to hear. She’ll soon be colder than a streaker in the midst of a Canadian winter.
2: Be cunning
We’ve already established that you can’t just tell the missus how bad she is in the sack. But a little scheming can go a long way. Ask her if there’s anything in particular she’d like you to do when getting intimate. Not only does it make your girlfriend feel special, but it also gives you an excuse to tell her exactly what you want. Women love to talk, so use this to your advantage.
3: Don’t hide your porn stash
Regularly getting caught watching porn or flicking through smutty magazines will inevitably lead to a barrage of mind-numbing questions. But if you want the missus to enhance her performance, you have to take the rough with the smooth. She’ll immediately question why you feel it’s necessary to get your rocks on by watching other women go at it. “What do those trashy whores have that I don’t?” she’ll wonder after catching you ogling a buxom brunette named Candy and her erotic blond friend, Sasha, working their way through the Kama Sutra.
At this point, she’ll be vulnerable, easy to manipulate and more susceptible to your lies. Tell her you were watching porn to spice up your sex life and coerce her into sitting through at least one DVD. Then delicately suggest she applies what she learned to your next sexual dalliance. Repeat until she either improves or uncovers your sordid plan.
4: Sign her up for pole-dancing lessons
A little manipulation can go a long way for this next tip. While you’re thinking about sex every 10 seconds, she’s worrying about her weight, makeup, hair, nails, foundation, fake tan, etc. In short, she frets far more about her appearance than you do about yours. So what better way for her to feel sexy while burning the calories than pole-dancing lessons? She may be initially reluctant to accept, but a quick Google search for some news article on how it’s not only an incredibly good workout but also a major turn-on for most men should do the trick.
5: Tell her she’s fat
Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind, and getting her to sexually gratify you is one of those moments. Buying clothes that are a size too small for her is a particularly effective way to deliver your message. After she’s finished moaning, a casual comment along the lines of “oh, I thought you were a size X” will have her convinced she’s piling on the pounds. If all goes to plan, she’ll put more effort into her fitness regime and sexual exploits to burn off those extra calories.